


Gone

by lalois



Series: Dealing with it [1]
Category: Kanjani8 (Band)
Genre: Aftermath, Awkward Conversations, Bittersweet, Boys Being Boys, Brotherly Bonding, Confessions, Cuddling & Snuggling, Difficult Decisions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hugs, Introspection, M/M, Memories, One Shot, Pride, Slice of Life, Talking, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-22
Updated: 2018-09-22
Packaged: 2019-07-15 17:03:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16067474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lalois/pseuds/lalois
Summary: Ryo dealing with his own pain after the press conference announcing Subaru's departure from Kanjani8. Use of RL snippets here and there.





	Gone

**Author's Note:**

> So. This won’t be an easy reading, since it explores Eito/Ryo/Ohkura’s feelings about Subaru leaving the group. So, you’re warned, and I can understand if you don’t feel like reading it. I have to admit my feelings are still “not okay” right now, despite time passing by, despite Eito starting out very awesomely as 6 members.  
> I actually started writing this the day after the press conference held out last April, but took me quite long to complete and revise it because of… feels, yeah.  
> Anyway, writing does always help me sort my feelings out, and that’s why I chose writing about this painful theme also. I hope that maybe, who knows, reading these pieces can help you too.  
> “Dealing with it” is a collection of 3 one-shots, including passage of Eito members in Taiwan. Each one is a stand-alone story.  
> Please enjoy!

Devastated.  
  
He was not ready to feel what he had to feel. What he had to endure.  
He wondered if he could ever be, despite all the times he had spent his insomniac nights thinking at... such a possibility. Such a nightmare.  
  
Subaru leaving them all. His mentor, leaving him.  
  
He had actually craved for such a thing to happen, for Subaru's sake.  
It seemed so real, yet so far away. It had seemed just utopia for so many years, and then a dream come true, back then in 2015 when Subaru had embarked on his solo projects.  
But then, he had come back to them. He had shouted proudly he was a Kanjani8 member. He was one of them.  
  
And he's not, anymore.  
  
Despite all the efforts they had all made to grow as a band, grow up musically speaking, he was gone.  
Their music was not enough to him.  
  
But how to blame music itself, after all? Subaru was music, and music had claimed him, in the end. It was just right.  
It was just so fucking painful, at the same time.  
Incredibly painful, like a stab straight in the heart. A hole getting bigger and bigger and just fucking bigger, as time passed.  
He wondered if he could ever pick up a guitar without feeling distraught.  
  
He wondered whether they could face their fans and reassure them that everything was going to be okay, even just with six of them.  
  
Parting from someone you love hurt so much.  
Parting... he had already had to face that twice, and it had left scars that only his time with Kanjani8 members had partially healed.  
And now, another huge scar. Something coming straight from the heart of Kanjani8, that would have bled endlessly, he was sure.  
  
He wondered how the other members were coping with the shock. Not better than him, probably, judging by Yokoyama-kun's tears and the genuine tenderness Maru had shown regardless of the moment.  
Poor Maru. His huge heart did not deserve such a blow.  
  
But it had happened. And there was just nothing they could do to change things anymore.  
  
_< < Can't you do that while in Kanjani8? >>_  
  
He picked up his mobile, scrolling down the app entries, without looking at anything in particular.  
Those words.  
He had thought the same, indeed, but had been unable to tell Subaru how he honestly felt. While Ohkura had done it, as straightforward as always.  
  
He dialed his number, realizing only too late what he was doing. He hung up immediately, only to hear his mobile buzz a few instants later at some incoming call.  
He picked up.  
  
_"Hi."_  
_> Why did you hung up? I could not even make it 'til the mobile, jeez..._  < the drummer voice said. He sounded exhausted, to say the least.  
" _Sorry, I didn't mean... it was just a mistake, Ohkura."_  
> Ryochan... < Ohkura sighed.  
  
_"Sorry, I-"_  
> Wanna pass by? <  
"No, no... You sound tired. We all need to get some rest, I'd say. And you're busy, and I'm busy as well and-"  
> But you're unable to sleep, right? You're unable to stop from thinking too much, right? That's why you called. <  
  
How to reply, at those words? Why was he always that fucking right?  
_> You can come over, if you wish. I still have some good beer in the fridge, you know?  <_  
  
**  
  
When some thirty minutes later he had showed up at Ohkura's apartment and the latter had opened the door with red puffy eyes, he had lingered on the threshold, unsure.  
Maybe it had not been such a great idea.  
_"Oh, this is... I'm not done with my hay fever yet,_ " Ohkura immediately explained, frowning.  _"Same as._.." he trailed off, unable to say the name.  
  
Had they already reached that point? Unable to pronounce his name, even?  
  
Once sitting awkwardly on Ohkura's couch, Ryo felt like it had been a terrible idea. The worst ever. What was he supposed to say?  
It was not like Ohkura was not in pain. He was just better at hiding it, that was all.  
  
The drummer came back with a couple of cans of beer that he put on the small table before them, and he sat beside Ryo, not really daring to look up at him.  
Ohkura sipped his beer quietly, his long legs stretched under the table, saying nothing at all.  
  
Ryo felt trapped. He had come all the way long for sitting there and keeping his mouth shut? But he didn't know what to say, even if his despair seemed temporarily... gone.  
  
" _You don't have to say anything, you know?_ " the drummer told him.  
_"I should,_ " he replied. " _I should have stopped him. I should-"_  
"No one of us could, Ryochan, you saw it yourself. He was incredibly resolute in his decision. He looked so brave and strong."  
  
And suddenly, it was all too much.  
  
He felt stupid tears twitching the corner of his eyes, he felt himself sobbing against his will, and he felt Ohkura's hand on his nape, guiding him to hide his face against the drummer's shoulder.  
  
Why was it like that?  
Why was he crying a river? On Ohkura's chest, even?  
It was all too much, too much for him.  
  
His need of feeling cuddled in the group, of protecting that very same group the best he could and yet, life didn't spare his beloved group members from what had just happened.  
  
It wasn't fair.  
It wasn't something he was ready to face, even though the burden had to be on him, because he had been the one encouraging Subaru to pursue a solo career, because hell knew how much he wished Subaru to be free from all the stupid stuff they had to do as idols, sometimes.  
And now, now that he had to protect what was left of them, all he could to was cry helplessly and shamelessly on Ohkura's couch.   
The youngest and the bravest between them. The one who had grown so much under Subaru, Yoko and Shingo's doting care.  
  
_"We'll make it through it all, Ryochan, together. I'm sure of it,_ " the drummer told him, shifting to hold him somehow closer. "I _t's just that it's incredibly painful now, and I don't know how to-"_  
He tugged at Ohkura's sweatshirt, clenching at the fabric.  
" _You don't have to know how to, moron_ ," he hissed. " _I know we'll find a way. We'll make it through, definitely. But... I cannot stop the mourning, right now. And I hate this."_  
  
He felt the drummer leave a light kiss on his head and caress his hair.  
Why was he like that? Why, so firm, so down to earth?  
  
_"Yokoyama-kun cried in public. You don't have to stop the tears, Ryochan."_  
"I don't have to cry at all, actually," Ryo grumbled low, inhaling Ohkura's scent.  _"It was me wishing him the best, hoping he could pursue a solo career. It was me. And now-"_  
  
"Stop it, Ryochan," Ohkura cut him off. " _You're not to stop the tears, but you have to stop thinking you're always at fault for something."_  
"But I am-"  
"No, you're not! The heck..." Ohkura hissed, caressing Ryo's hair. " _You're hurt, Ryochan. And you have all rights, because when we do love someone, we cannot help getting hurt. That's how it works."_  
  
Ryo didn't reply. He couldn’t. He spreads his arms, embracing the drummer, holding on tight to his warm chest, ignoring his brain interfering with his heart, protesting it's not how he should behave. Like a lost child in the arms of a mother.  
It was soothing, and Ryo allowed himself to drown into the sensation, closing his lids.  
  
They haven't had time for anything, lately. His taiga drama, Ohkura's Montecristo remake, the press conference called out of urgence, Shota's incident, the news, the horrible news.  
He didn't even know how he actually felt, apart from open desperation taking insidiously over him.  
  
Ohkura kept caressing his back, slowly, reassuringly, showing a caring side he's not that eager to show off. The very best of him, Ohkura didn't like people to know, how funny.  
  
" _You know?"_  he asked, tentatively.  
" _Mh?"_  
"Director Yoshida-san will go to Italy to promote Hitsuji no Ki movie."  
" _Ehh? So far away?"_  
  
"Yeah. He also asked me whether I'd love to go, but we do also have to deal with the promotion in Taiwan and... well, we all agreed that I must go to Taiwan instead, since our last concert is also scheduled to be there next September."  
"I see. So no vacation in Italy for you, yet."  
"Nope," Ryo nodded, " _but I know there are Eighters there, for Subaru said so after coming back from Rotterdam. In Europe there's also people cheering for us, from so far away._  
I wanna show what we can do, tell dudes we can reach people even out there. It's not a lie, that we wanna do more. It's not a lie, Ohkura, and it cannot be over. Not yet."  
  
"It won't," the drummer assured him, nuzzling the tip of his nose against his skin.  _"I'd love to come to Taiwan, as well."_  
"What for? The movie isn't-"  
"You're gonna meet girls down there, I'm jealous."  
Ryo couldn't help but grin openly.  
  
_"Moron. I'm not saying I'll-"_  
"I know," Ohkura cut him off,  _"but it's nice to see you smile again, even if just for a teeny tiny moment,_ " the drummer admitted, flashing him a tired but genuine smile.  
Ryo chuckled openly this time.  
  
_"You should... worry a bit more about yourself, as well, rather than thinking about me_ ," he said.   
He pulled back from Ohkura's embrace and looked up, meeting the drummer's dark eyes.  
" _Takahashi Yuu-san is so damn right,"_  Ryo went on.  
_"Uh?"_  
"You're amazing, always taking care about others before yourself," Ryo said. " _And you looked so stoic at the press con. You were able to smile for him."_  
  
Ohkura pursed his lips.  
_"It's not like-"_  
"Exactly," Ryo cut him off. " _It's not like you aren't in pain. But you aren't letting people be affected by your pain, despite being so violent and fucking painful. This is amazing."_  
Ryo threw out one arm, putting it around Ohkura's neck.  
  
" _If we will be able to work this out, it's not only because we can rely on Hina. It's also because you're there for us, the way you did. Because Yasu is in total pain right now, and Maruchan and Yokoyama-kun are crushed. Because if it were to be just me, alone, I wouldn't be able to go anywhere. Thank you, you amazing guy."_ He caressed absentmindedly Ohkura's nape, just like the latter's fingers were doing along his back, their eyes locked.  
  
" _I'd have never thought you would have spent the evening complimenting me all night long_ ," the drummer pouted ironically, cocking his head to one side.  
_"I haven't, indeed. Not yet,_ " Ryo confirmed him.  
" _Mh. Planning to go on later, then?"_  
"It depends. Do you reckon we could spend some time together like, I don't know, listening to some nice music or-"  
"Or?"  
"Taking care of me, maybe? I don't wanna surrender to my insomnia and having to think about painful things tonight, Ohkura," Ryo admitted straightforwardly. It was uncomfortable, having to say all those things aloud, facing those beautiful piercing eyes. But dragging out the embarrassing truth was apparently the first step to move forward.  
  
_"Me neither."_  
  
Ryo pulled the drummer to him and pressed their lips together in a quick, chaste kiss. His feelings for Subaru's decision could overwhelm him. Or not. But it was all up to him, as Ohkura's solidity was urging him to understand.  
  
_"I like it like crazy, when we're on the same wavelength,_ " he whispered softly on Ohkura's mouth.  
The drummer let his lips meet Ryo's again, granting him a silent reply.


End file.
